People pleasing is a habit that is ingrained in almost all of us but we have all met someone (or many people) who simply takes it too far.
Today, I was having a conversation with a close friend of mine. Let's call him Roger. Let's pretend Roger and I were talking about lights. I passively complain about the bad lighting in my apartment. Roger immediately apologizes for not having opened the blinds. I was referring to actual electric lights inside the apartment.
Roger is a beautiful, young man. He dresses great and his hair is always perfect. He is charming and kind. All of this is great but Roger has one problem, Roger has low self esteem so he doesn't see himself the same way the world does. If you've ever known anyone like this than you probably know that there isn't a damn thing you can say to someone to make them realize this. Roger apologizes a lot, even though most of the time he didn't do anything wrong.
So I said to him, "I was referring wall lighting. Why did you defend yourself when you had not been accused of anything?' I said this with a low, calm if not inquisitive voice.
"I don't know," he says while he visibly ponders the idea, "I honestly don't know why I do that."
I can tell you why. It's very simple really. It's because he wants me to like him. He doesn't want me to find a reason to stop liking him.
Now let me tell you what he is doing wrong. A key element to self esteem is a true sense of self. A person must have beliefs (whatever they may be), a moral code, expectations, goals, etc. I know what I believe. I know, quite definitively, my definitions of right and wrong. Therefore, I do not apologize unless an apology is warranted. Having said that, let me add that not apologizing when an apology is truly warranted is not my version of the right thing to do. Another key factor to self esteem is partaking in esteemable actions, meaning doing things that make you feel proud. Being able to look yourself in the mirror and truly be able to tell yourself that you are a person of integrity is a life changing feeling, that is more rare than you might think. Self esteem allows a person to trust himself enough to decide what he does and does not apologize for.
If you seek a life of peace and happiness then I urge you take this advice. The better person you are, the better you will feel. Starting today be a person who shares. A person who shares not just items, but joy, information, advice, and most importantly time. Today, be a person who always makes the right decision. Anyone who does that leaves themselves without reason to lie. A person who does not lie is a person that other people trust. When someone trusts you, you're words have much greater impact on their lives. Help them, guide them. Never break plans again. If you say you will be somewhere, people should be able to trust that you will be there. Learn to say no. If you get invited to party and you know damn well that you are not going to go, do not say yes just so you can hang up the phone. Tell that person, "Thank you but I don't think so." Better to be honest and have a rough moment than to lie and then be the person no one can depend on. Be better, so when you are better you can teach others how to be better. Let's teach the children of the world what being an adult should look like.
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